Who’s Death Note is it anyway?
By Kelsey Mitchell and Natalie Jennings
Warning: The characters are out of…character. And we don’t own Death Note, though we wish like every other fan.
*Enter Light in a plaid suit onto the game show set. Behind each contestant platform stands a non-chalant Near, an aggravated Mello, and a twitchy L. The camera men aim their cameras on Light as he struts onstage*
Light: Hello and welcome all to the greatest game show on earth: Kill That Man!! Today’s contestants are Near!
Near: ….
Light: Mello!!!
Mello: Why are we here?!
Light: And L!
L: Why was there no cake backstage on that food bar? *twitching* It had nothing but fruit. Fruit! * more twitching*
Light: Before we begin the game, let’s get to know our contestants! * walks over to Near’s pedestal * Near, how are you today?
Near: …
Light: okay…Where you from?
Near: The Wammy House.
Light: What is that, like some Whack-a-Mole game? * chuckles at his own bad pun *
Near: …* takes out Optimus Prime action figure and throws it at Light’s head * PEARL HARBOR!
Light: * ducks * WTF?! You little brat, what was that for?! * points finger at Near’s face *
Near: * chomps down on Light’s unfortunate finger *
Light: GAH! HE BIT ME!! HE FREAKIN’ BIT ME!! IT HIT THE BONE!!! RIGHT THROUGH THE BONE!!!! AHHH, IT HURTS!!
L: Near! Spit that out right now, you don’t know where it’s been!!
Near: M’kay. * spits out mauled finger *
Light: * in a low tone to self * I hate kids. Freakin’ kid’s from Village of the Damned. I sware.
Near: * stare * …..
Light: Stop trying to control my mind!! * clears throat * Next contestant…Mello!! So how are you today little girl!
Mello: * murderous glare * I’m not a little girl.
Light: So, what, are you a tranny?
Mello: NO!! SCREW YOU!! * takes out bar of chocolate and starts nibbling *
L: * sighs * Straight to the comfort food.
Light: Right…let’s go onto our next one! So how are you L, or Ryuzaki, or whatever the heck you want to be called.
L: I’m doing fine Light, or Kira, or whatever you like to be called.
Light: I’ll get you after the show.
L: Is that a threat or a very sad pick-up line?
Light: …yeah, okay. Now onto our first round!! Each contestant must name the right man that Kira killed with each question. First question! Who-
Mello: * raises hand *
Light: I didn’t even get the question out, how could you know?
Mello: Do we have to buzz in our answers or something? ‘Cause there’s a button here and I’m afraid to push it.
Light:…Yeah, sure. Press the button. Yeah, ONTO THE QUESTION! Who is this man?
* contestants hear horrible wailing scream *
L: * mashes buzzer * Is it your father?! And I want some cake!
Light: Nooo…and you’ll never get any cake with that answer.
Mello: * hits button * Is it that ice cream vendor on Avenue Street??
Light: Why, yes it is!! * lights flash and confetti falls out of nowhere * You win a prize!! Ryuk, give him his prize!
Ryuk: * prances out on stage * Here you go, girly!
Mello: I’M A MAN!! Now gimme! * takes prize * WTF? Fabric softener?!
Ryuk: Open it up and sniff it!
Mello: * hesitantly opens it up and sniffs it * …..apples?
Ryuk: Yes!! Apples! I use it on my clothes. * leans towards Mello * Wanna sniff?
Mello: … * weirded out silence* ….uh…
Ryuk: C’mon!! You know you wanna!
Mello: No.
Ryuk: Fine. * pouts and walks back over to Light *
Light: * clears throat * Right….ONTO QUESTION TWO!!!! Name this man!!
* contestants see a clip of a man doing the macerena *
Light: oops, wrong one. WHO PUT THAT THERE?! Wait…I think I recognize that person. Matsuda?
Matsuda: * offstage * What? It’s a fun dance…
*from backstage, you hear a horrible whacking noise like Matsuda’s head being hit by a brick *
Light: Dad, please play the right clip.
* clip plays of someone doing the macerena then falling to the floor dying. It’s not Matsuda *
L: * hits buzzer * Is it Sasuke Uchia? * hears chia-pet theme from backstage * ….?
Light: Why YES! YES IT IS!!! Ryuk, his prize!!
Ryuk: * twirls over to L * Hear you go, owly man!